Saturday, June 5, 2021

The Conditional Community

 "Putting themselves at risk, puts others at emotional risk," said one facilitator at a potential learning community my Autistic children were hoping to join when they 'did not' reject my children, but just put them on an indeterminate suspension as a potential learner.

It was almost too perfect, this marriage of unschooling and self-directed learning with an emphasis on social justice and strengthening community and all in our own backyard. We found them through a simple google search and they seemed to boast about their acceptance of diversity (neurological and otherwise). 

So we contacted the place and the main facilitator ended up being a familiar face - a librarian at our local library. So far, so good. They set us up with an interview, which we felt pretty good about, but were nervous, as we always are when we try to put our kids into a new community. 

Day one we brought our oldest to try it out. It was rough. Day two was a rough day as well. On day three we had our youngest join him. My oldest seemed happy, my youngest was in fine form - screaming and cussing at the only other child who would have been in his peer group, attempting to harm the adults and so on. On day four we were asked to 'indefinitely suspend their shadowing process' after my oldest refused to verbally respond to a facilitator or look him in the face (though he did respond with body language)  when he was asked to stop skipping shells across a body of water and a slew of other infractions. 

Now many of these concerns were justifiable safety concerns and I'm not saying safety is not reasonable to be worried about. However, their concern seemed to be mostly about how my children's lack of regard for the safety rules they were quite new to affected them (the adults) and the other learners and not actually concern for my children themselves. You see, they told us this was because, "putting themselves at risk, puts others at emotional risk." 

Personally, I like to put others well being in front of my own, especially that of children. Perhaps this is emotionally unhealthy, but it's simply the way I think at the moment. When I see a child exhibiting unsafe behavior, yes I have concern for the children around them, but I am most concerned about the child. The philosophy here is that every child wants to be part of their community and wants to achieve personal success, however, they see it. A child that is doing something other than that is either lacking in the skills they need to move towards those goals and/or is in considerable distress and needs unconditional care and concern to bolster them to a better emotional space. I do not believe that shaming and social fear is healthy or helpful.

By this point, I thought I would feel deflated. My kids have been kicked out of various summer camps, private schools and even locally organized community events and now our one last hope was shunning them. Usually, these kinds of rejections (which they insisted were not actually rejections - I think I'd recognize one by now) usually send me into a tailspin. I project so much onto my kids that I take any kind of rejection of one of them as a rejection of me and the rest of my family on a quintessential level. Not healthy, but I'm working on this. Perhaps this is my black and white thinking again.


Regardless, I was surprised to feel supremely annoyed. I felt lied to and frustrated with the facilitators for their rigidity and ableist attitudes (who cares if he can't verbally respond? He changed his behavior to adjust to your expectations, did he not?). There was also a sense of 'them' vs 'us' that felt liberating and I'm not sure if it was altogether wrong. 

Often, I assume that we are all 'us' and that if I in any way disagree with someone, it must be that I am wrong and they are right. When the facilitators insisted, however, that an individual's feels were secondary to any emotional or physical harm they may have done to the community, I was flabbergasted and confused and more than a little angry, though I had no words for it. 

The following day we joined a zoom call with their facilitators and other parents, where there was a 'discussion' (ie a slide show) about what community meant to you (except they actually meant them, dismissing any opinion the parents actually said). 

I didn't last through the meeting. I felt my blood simmer and then boil as I continued to listen. I even tried to offer my thoughts, which I did not feel were received. 

That weekend we experienced true community for my oldest son, as it was his birthday. Peers who actually liked him and who he liked to, came to hang out with him. Neighbors celebrated him and family members called him from overseas or drove hours or days to see him. He was loved. It felt right. It felt like a community.

The two experienced juxtaposed over just a couple of days felt eye-opening and healing. Our community was not perfect and maybe not cohesive, but they were real and organic and while I don't believe any relationship is truly unconditional (except that one-way relationship a parent has for their child) it was closer to no-strings-attached than I have seen in any programming, school (or unschool) or camp.)

What does that mean for the boy's educations? Maybe they don't need to be accepted into a learning community to learn? I don't know. 


Saturday, January 26, 2019

How Does Your Garden Grow

I am not a master gardener. I'm not even a very good gardener. What I am is a dedicated gardener. I keep the plants alive to the best of my ability. I give them time and the minimum water and nourishment and sometimes I get inspired and really go all in. And other times my plans completely fail because deer or drought or frost or bugs or I forgot to turn the hose off. Oops.

Its sort of like my parenting.

I'm keeping us alive. Our heads are above water, but you guys...these are not easy.

Yes, yes, you over there. With the two sweet babies who occasionally cry because their balloon got lost even though you told them they should tie it to their wrist or might *gasp* push their brother because he toppled their block creation. I'm not talking about you.

You see, while every child is unique and wonderful and an adventure to raise, I was gifted the other kinds of children. The children you see out in the world and you think to yourself, "well at least it's not my kid." I got the plot of land that's a combination of limestone and clay. It's as hot as the black tar in the summer and you've got pests. Those kinds of kids in that kind of garden.

You see, in the last year we've had diagnoses of ADHD, Dyslexia and Autism. Some of them have more than one of those 'labels' and all three of my older kids is in speech.

I'm not telling you this because I'm complaining, and I think that's where ya'll might get a little confused.

I am so freaking proud of our kids. I was blessed with these crazy, genius, atypical little brains to raise and we're in it for the long haul guys. These aren't no annual pretty little petunias I'm raising. I'm raising  perennials. I've got a prickly little blackberry bushes, hardy grave vines and sturdy persimmons. Raising these kids could go south.

It's terrifying, to tell ya'll the truth. They have awesome potential and its more than a little scary. They could choke the life out of another plant. They might grow in such bent and twisted ways they may crack in the middle of their trunks.

But what if they don't? What if I can get them off to a good start? What if they provide shade and support and nourishment to all around them for years to come?

Then, perhaps, I will look back and call myself a master gardener.



Friday, December 21, 2018

On the Cusp

As Chanukah comes to a close we look forward to our next holiday, Tu B'Shevat with...irreverence. Traditionally, there's a tree planting and a 'seudah', if one can call it that.




The truth is, even as an observant Jew I never really got into it. But I'm cultivating a new version of myself. Tu B'Shevat, which takes place in the winter, isn't just a time to plant new trees, it's also a time to consider which branches need to be trimmed. What growth occurred in the last year will increase productivity and which could create problems down the line.

This is the time to consider our reserves and plan for the new cycle.

So, here's a list of five things we're hoping to prune from our lives this year:

clothing
We're working on a capsule wardrobe for the boys. I've already been working on my 'modules' for my own clothes, but now I want to do it for kids too! I'll update when I do!
    toys
    Less toy clutter, more toy inspiration. I'm not enthusiastic about Montessori, maybe I'll tell that story some day, but the take away is that I believe that the bigger the mess, the more has been learned.  Additionally, I really want to veer my kids outside. For my two (so far) diagnosed ADHD kiddos, it's so important that they're able to exercise and expend they're impressive gross motor energy. Fiddling with tiny toys inside generally only creates stress, frustration and fights in our household.

    food
    one of these days I'll figure out a meal plan that's both specific and flexible...it can happen, right? Right?!? Since we've moved to Texas we've been in varying degrees of crisis mode. We're in our own home now, but we're still building our house and we're always shifting. This results in crisis-mode shopping and we end up with a random and unplanned surplus of foods.

    giving in 
    I love my kids, but I fear them more sometimes. The truth is, I often excuse my emotional retreat in tricky parenting situations with the idiom 'pick your battles,' but I use this as a crutch way, way too often. In order to let my little shoots grow in a healthy way, I can't let them bend. It's on me to steadfastly guide them, even if they start to wander.

    paper
    I love school supplies. I have serious soft spot for journals. I fawn over colorful, gliding pens. And then I buy them. I write in them for a week. Or maybe two. And then I return to my laptop, where everything is neat and my brain doesn't have to slow down to match my hand...This is the part of me that's not a millennial at all (I'm on the cusp anyway) and it's time to embrace this century. On top of that, I'm adore magazines and I prefer paper bills. I know. I'm pretty much just sixty year old living inside of a thirty three year old body...but it's time to live my age!! So, no more useless paper. It's in the computer!

    What are ya'll doing to improve your growth this year?

    Monday, August 22, 2016

    Oh Deer. Gardening in Texas

    Well we've moved from the fertile land of Kentucky to my home state of barrenness, Texas. Land to a million pests, the biggest being deer.

    The good news? They hate herbs! So that's what I've been growing and it's the only thing that's safe.

    Also, the fig tree that was here has given us many figs - a fun new fruit for the boys. Again, though, the deer eat any of the lower ones.

    Inside the gate where the dogs are, however, my brother and I grew about 100 cucumbers and pickled! I was surprised that the cucumbers didn't mind the heat and grew straight through July.

    Tuesday, March 29, 2016

    I May Never Arrive, but I'm Here

    Looking back an old post, there was a time when I didn't consider myself a gardener. And the truth is, I'm not a green thumb. And I'm not organized and I wasn't ever a 'baby person', but GUESS WHAT???
    I'm awesome with little people, my home and my life have never been more organized and I can make things grow. From seed. In pots. Inside. I AM A GARDENER! So I may not be a master gardener. I may not ever be a fairy from Fern Gully and be able to breathe on a seed and make it sprout, but gosh dang it, I'm still here and I'm going to keep on cultivating.

    Thursday, December 17, 2015

    Lessons in Laundry

    This is how we prepare our outfits for all four boys every week. The kids pick and make their own outfits.  Then we put them in bins and they pick them out and get themselves dressed thoughout the week.  No mess, no stress! We do this once or twice a week.


    Products to Grow Your Own Kinder Garden